So the other day I get up with a full plate (and I don’t mean pasta). I sign on, plow through email and — the computer freezes. So I do what you’re supposed to: empty the cache, reset Safari (yes, I have a Mac) . Nada. Then I look at the modem: “Danger, Will Robinson!” Internet light RED! So I call Verizon, and I get the automated voice. You know: all perkly and bubbly and SO happy to assist you — only first you have to press some buttons. OK, a lotta buttons.
By the time I’m done, I’m actually yelling at this bitch: “How many times do I have to say YES?!!”
So this guy gets on. “Hello my name is Sammy,. How can I assist you today?”Maryann is going to be interviewed on WGHT’s Curtain Call at 9:30 Wednesday morning. 1500AM on the radio or click on http://ghtradio.com/teisha.htm
“Sammy? With that accent? You sound like Latka from ‘Taxi’.”
So now I have to repeat all the issues my fingers just walked through.
“OK, go to the Apple icon, hit the letter Y,” Sammy says.
“Did you say I?”
“No, the letter Y, like in yak. No, no, I mean like in Yankees.
“Oh. OK.” (Boy, would I love to hear him say: D like in DiMaggio, G like in Gehrig, J like in Jeter)
“Now hit the letter H,” Sammy says.
“Did you day 8?”
“No H. Like in hummus — I mean ‘Happy Holidays’.”
Now we wait, he says.
I’m lookin’ at my nails, wondering when I’ll have time to get ’em done when suddenly, from left field, Sammy says: “How is the weather where you are?”
“What? Oh. Um — not, bad, thanks. It’s getting colder. Where are YOU, Sammy?”
“I am in New Deli. No, no — I mean New Jersey.”
So I’m sitting here thinkin': What if Osama’s Mac freezes, and he has to call IT from the cave?
“Thank you for calling Verizon. My name is Tommy. How can I help you?”
“Depak? Hi, It’s… um…. Vinnie. I’m having trouble with my connection.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. My name is Tommy…. Have you checked the sockets in your wall, Vinnie?”
“I’m in a cave, Depe. I have a special interface box.”
“OK, Vinnie. Let me run a test…. So how is the weather by you?”
“I am in a friggin’ cave, you infidel. You tell me.”
I’m laughing to myself at this imaginary exchange when Sammy suddenly gives me the bottom line: After changing all these preferences and setting up a new admin, I STILL a tech to come to house.
That was it!!!!
“Listen Sammy, I have something going on right now. It’s called a life. And I’m getting back to it.” Click!
My morning is on the edge of exploding when the phone rings. It’s that automated skank whore from Verizon.
“The Internet service in your area is down and we are working on the issue. As soon as we come up you may have to re-start your modem.”
So I call up get Ceaser on line. (Ceaser?) Unlike Sammy, though, he can tell immediately that all is not well in the Empire. So he moves faster than you can say curried goat — doesn’t even make weather chitchat.
And whaddaya know? I’m reconnected.
So I’m ready to rock and…. wait a minute. Sammy deleted my wifi!!!
Ooh-fa: If I had a bat….
Reviewers have raved about Maryann’s music & standup. She’s opened for Joy Behar and Ray Romano, and has played The Laugh Factory, Broadway Comedy Club and Dangerfield’s. She has a CD out and will be featured on Danny Aiello’s upcoming album, “City of Light.” Judging from the looks of the packed houses, she’ll also be staging plenty more performances with the ITALIAN CHICKS, whose show has been called “part meatball, part cannoli.” For more on Maryann, the group, where they’re performing & how to get tickets, click here: ITALIAN CHICKS . Tell ’em CLIFFVIEWPILOT sent you.